Celtic Survivor
Drama's Blog
Friday, 22 December 2006 00:00

Although a winner for this has already been chosen, I can hold it in no longer and I must say something about the new show, “Racial Profiling Island.” Due to complaints about a lack of diversity in the tele show, CBS's Survivor has decided to group their teams by race. Survivor: Cook Islands had 20 castaways divided into four tribes: black, white, Asian and Latino. So ummm…is that supposed to represent all of us? I think not!

What about those of us that ask our magic looking glass... “mirror mirror on the wall who is the pasty-est of all?” That’s right, who will represent the largest genetic make-up in the United States. I am talking about the Celtic contingency. So I ask you where is Team Celtic on Survivor? That’s right, Scotland, Wales, Isle of Man, and Ireland represent!

The disadvantage of the Celtic team will be the sun problem. Let’s face it Celtic people can’t tan. There are only really two phases, white (pale) and red (sun burnt). If a Celtic person has a tan they have just figured out a way to squish all their freckles together to give the illusion of tan. Because certain other races will be able to tan in five minutes while the Celtic team all huddles under one coconut tree for shade during the high noon sun. I mean I don’t want to say anything about other teams but some people who can stay in the sun for hours and not die of cancer are just PIGMENT HOGS! And you people know who you are…

An advantage Team Celtic will have is the Luck of the Irish. Events going badly would turn to our favour the minute we put an Irish person in front of it. For instance, if a typhoon is heading towards the rest of team we would immediately have The Corrs play on the tarmac and all our troubles would disappear. Luck of the Irish, can’t touch this! Besides the Corrs HAVE to play at any Irish event, even the opening of an Irish envelope.

Another advantage is that NOBODY speaks Gaelic. If the whole team speaks Gaelic none of the other teams will be able to decipher what Team Celtic is talking about. In fact, if a team member is from Cornwall, even people in Team Celtic won’t be able to understand her!

We Celtics aren’t exactly known for our athleticism per say, but we sure can write! The greatest authors of books, plays, and poetry are Celtic. After all a form of poetry is not called a Limerick for nothing! (Limerick is a county in Ireland). So if we can’t beat them we can sure out write them! We could call upon Nobel Prize for literature winner, Seamus Heaney to create a secret code based on his Harvard poetry.

But if we are looking for athleticism for Team Celtic we have plethora of very tough Irish boxers to choose from. Of course any one of them would be hard-core enough and athletic enough to win on Survivor, but the most athletic person in the Celtic world is of course, Linda Cawte. Linda is a lean, mean, River-dancing machine. After winning nearly every Irish step dancing competition in Ireland she is the lead female dancer in the original Riverdance show. In a test of endurance she would literally dance circles around the competition.

In hopes of boosting the ratings we MUST have popular Celtic figures on the team. Luckily for Team Celtic, we have Bono. Not only can Bono stand and pose in front of the boats tents, but also this silver-tongued devil was Nobel nominated for his ability to negotiate between world leaders. His blarney abilities could come in handy sometimes, BUT, with Bono in the mix, when it is all over somehow the rest of the teams will have taken over the African-American teams’ debt.

Inevitably we will run into the issue of McGee. Nary a Celtic block is walked without running into the site of McGee’s Pub. He will undoubtedly set up a McGee’s Pub tent in the center of the Celtic tent village. Ignore the fact that we’re stranded on an island; somehow McGee will be able to get shipments of Guinness.
With Conan O’Brien as the bar keep none of the other teams will go into McGee’s because only celtic people get his jokes. Soon all the meetings will be held at McGee’s Pub tent, then eventually we will not be able to get the Celtic men to leave McGee’s to actually participate in the shenanigans of survival. This may be a problem…

But the Celtic Team has a secret weapon…. Hermione Jane Granger! This Scottish lass is resident genius of Hogwarts and best friend of Harry Potter. With brains and magic the other teams don’t stand a chance. There isn’t a spell our Hermione can’t do. Anyway, if that doesn’t work we can have Anthony Hopkins threaten to eat everyone.

Go Team Celtic Go!

~taste the rainbow~